So it has been well over a year since I last wrote on this blog. I guess I owe to the people who may still be following it an explanation to what has been happening in my life.
I am still taking care of an elderly gentleman, who has many many ailments. I have been working for him now for the last 3 years, in September it will be 4 years. I haven't been on the street since I have been working for him, which has been great (secretly though, I sometimes miss not having all the bills and responsibilities).
I am still working through a lot of my own issues, such as the fear of being rejected. For me the fear of rejection rules my life. I miss out on so many activities and things in life, because I am afraid that when I meet new people or go to places I have never been, that the people who are there are going to find a reason to hate me, or make fun of who I am.
It is just something that I hope with time I will be able to work out and move on. It is just a matter of controlling my fears and worries about people, of course for me that is easier said than done.
Wish me the best on this..
July 11, 2013
April 30, 2012
Socially Awkward
Okay, So I suppose I am : shy, weird, socially inept, awkward, etc. I have social anxiety and always blank out when people talk to me.
And, I always think of the worst situation that could happen at any given moment anywhere in public where there's people around.
I hate being around people I don't know. I don't know if they'll judge me, just hurt me emotionally, or leave me mentally confused.
I dig deep into detail about people's emotions, thoughts, feelings, communication.... I just don't know about the what if's...
It's killing me socially! I cannot impress potential employers because of this and cannot make a single friend in person.
It's like the only way for me to have ANY social interaction is to use the internet - where I am not bombarded by faces and minds who wait to see what I will say or do next. I have my own time here to type down my thoughts and feelings without being interrupted or being waited on impatiently.
I hate the feeling of being judged in any way that would give any negativity and I cannot deal or handle situations where I am "put on the spot".
Thus, my friend and Mom think that I'm just being dumb by not doing the right thing. They don't understand, because they're not like me.
Anything I do is blamed on me for not doing the correct way of doing things by being socially comfortable or accepting those surrounding me.
I was fine for months not realizing I haven't even gone out to do anything, but my friend reminded me that people think there's something wrong with me and they ask him about it. Also, it's happened to my mom whenever she goes to places with me, people will ask her if something's the matter with me or whatnot. This has been happening ever since I could remember. I am very shy... cannot express myself when I'm around people whom I don't know..
I am very tired of this all and feel like the only way for me to have a social "living" is to be online forever. I'm so introverted, shy, and socially awkward.
And, I always think of the worst situation that could happen at any given moment anywhere in public where there's people around.
I hate being around people I don't know. I don't know if they'll judge me, just hurt me emotionally, or leave me mentally confused.
I dig deep into detail about people's emotions, thoughts, feelings, communication.... I just don't know about the what if's...
It's killing me socially! I cannot impress potential employers because of this and cannot make a single friend in person.
It's like the only way for me to have ANY social interaction is to use the internet - where I am not bombarded by faces and minds who wait to see what I will say or do next. I have my own time here to type down my thoughts and feelings without being interrupted or being waited on impatiently.
I hate the feeling of being judged in any way that would give any negativity and I cannot deal or handle situations where I am "put on the spot".
Thus, my friend and Mom think that I'm just being dumb by not doing the right thing. They don't understand, because they're not like me.
Anything I do is blamed on me for not doing the correct way of doing things by being socially comfortable or accepting those surrounding me.
I was fine for months not realizing I haven't even gone out to do anything, but my friend reminded me that people think there's something wrong with me and they ask him about it. Also, it's happened to my mom whenever she goes to places with me, people will ask her if something's the matter with me or whatnot. This has been happening ever since I could remember. I am very shy... cannot express myself when I'm around people whom I don't know..
I am very tired of this all and feel like the only way for me to have a social "living" is to be online forever. I'm so introverted, shy, and socially awkward.
April 24, 2012
Jewish Hospital
One of the things I done while I was on the streets in Louisville was sneak into the Jewish Hospital, and ride the elevator to the top floor and watch tv all day. I could only do this on the weekends because that was the only time the departments on the top floor were mostly empty.
I loved sitting there because they had HBO and there was free coffee and donuts in the lobby areas there. I would drink 4-5 cups of coffee and chow down about 4 donuts. And then I would just fall asleep for a few hours. Most times the security guard would walk by and wake me up, and tell me that I had to go, but he was never mean to me about it.
I went there mostly during the days in the winter months when I didn't have the ambition to walk all the way across the city to go to U of L Library. When it is 20 degrees and 6 in the morning, you tend to find the quickest place to go to to get out of the cold air.
I was very thankful for that lobby.
I loved sitting there because they had HBO and there was free coffee and donuts in the lobby areas there. I would drink 4-5 cups of coffee and chow down about 4 donuts. And then I would just fall asleep for a few hours. Most times the security guard would walk by and wake me up, and tell me that I had to go, but he was never mean to me about it.
I went there mostly during the days in the winter months when I didn't have the ambition to walk all the way across the city to go to U of L Library. When it is 20 degrees and 6 in the morning, you tend to find the quickest place to go to to get out of the cold air.
I was very thankful for that lobby.
April 14, 2012
Sick
For 3 days in Louisville, I laid in my spot really sick. Every time I would try to get up I would get dizzy and feel like I was about to throw up. It was the shittiest feeling in the world. And to make matters worse, no one even knew I was sick, so there was no chance of me getting help from anyone.
So I laid there and hardly slept, I was sweating, then I would get the chills, and stomach cramps, and all the shit that you hate when you have a house and don't want to be sick.
I was thirsty from all of the throwing up but I had no water or anything around to drink. I just had to be there and suffer through whatever it was that I had for that 3 days of hell.
Finally on the third day, I was able to get my butt up and walk down to the health department, and all they told me is that I probably had the flu. I tell you it sure felt like a lot more than the flu, but I guess they should know.
Anyway, being sick and living on the streets is really rough, because most times you aren't going to get the meds you need and like myself, you most likely will end up laying where ever it is you sleep at, because you aren't going to have the energy to walk all over the city trying to get medical help.
So I laid there and hardly slept, I was sweating, then I would get the chills, and stomach cramps, and all the shit that you hate when you have a house and don't want to be sick.
I was thirsty from all of the throwing up but I had no water or anything around to drink. I just had to be there and suffer through whatever it was that I had for that 3 days of hell.
Finally on the third day, I was able to get my butt up and walk down to the health department, and all they told me is that I probably had the flu. I tell you it sure felt like a lot more than the flu, but I guess they should know.
Anyway, being sick and living on the streets is really rough, because most times you aren't going to get the meds you need and like myself, you most likely will end up laying where ever it is you sleep at, because you aren't going to have the energy to walk all over the city trying to get medical help.
April 12, 2012
One Night in Louisville
One night when I was sleeping beside a church in Louisville, I was woke up by two guys fighting just a few feet away from where I was standing. I sat up and started to watch because I wasn't sure whether they would attack me or not.
The fight got worse, it went from fist fighting to one of the guys pulling a knife and stabbing the other guy in the arm. I got my shoes on at that point and ran away. There was no way in hell that I was going to have the guy that stabbed the other guy see me and come after me.
I ran down the street to a pay phone and called the police, they showed up a few minutes later and I showed them where the fight happened, unfortunately both guys were gone. There was a lot of blood in the area but no one in sight. The police took my report and that was that.
Getting stabbed, shot or beat up were my biggest worries when I would go to sleep at night, you never knew when some asshole would be wanedering around with no good intentions. As I stated before I slept in areas alone and I liked it that way, but I always had to sleep with one eye open.
The cops that night gave me a ride to the shelter and got me checked in. One of them gave me $10 and told me to be safe and have a good night. They both wished me luck and that was the last I seen of them.
The fight got worse, it went from fist fighting to one of the guys pulling a knife and stabbing the other guy in the arm. I got my shoes on at that point and ran away. There was no way in hell that I was going to have the guy that stabbed the other guy see me and come after me.
I ran down the street to a pay phone and called the police, they showed up a few minutes later and I showed them where the fight happened, unfortunately both guys were gone. There was a lot of blood in the area but no one in sight. The police took my report and that was that.
Getting stabbed, shot or beat up were my biggest worries when I would go to sleep at night, you never knew when some asshole would be wanedering around with no good intentions. As I stated before I slept in areas alone and I liked it that way, but I always had to sleep with one eye open.
The cops that night gave me a ride to the shelter and got me checked in. One of them gave me $10 and told me to be safe and have a good night. They both wished me luck and that was the last I seen of them.
April 9, 2012
Peace
I was thinking about my time in Louisville, and I remember that one of the things that I use to do a lot was walk across the bridge to Indiana, and walk down to the Ohio River on the Indiana side. There is a state park on that side that is wooded and has trails all along the river.
I use to walk all over those woods and trails exploring, it was the only times that I felt totally at peace. I am not sure if it was the birds chirping or just the seclusion of the woods but I loved it there. If there is one thing I really miss about Louisville, it's those woods.
I remember one night I was there until after dark, and legally you are supposed to leave that park after a certain time, but I stayed in the woods and camped there for the night. I just leaned against a log on the ground near the river and watched the moon and stars. I was at total peace that night, and I have yet to find that kind of peace here in Florida. There is really no place to go and get away from all the craziness. No matter where you go, everyone is in a hurry or there is someone already there.
I just wish I could find that spot so I could once again have a little bit of peace for myself.
I use to walk all over those woods and trails exploring, it was the only times that I felt totally at peace. I am not sure if it was the birds chirping or just the seclusion of the woods but I loved it there. If there is one thing I really miss about Louisville, it's those woods.
I remember one night I was there until after dark, and legally you are supposed to leave that park after a certain time, but I stayed in the woods and camped there for the night. I just leaned against a log on the ground near the river and watched the moon and stars. I was at total peace that night, and I have yet to find that kind of peace here in Florida. There is really no place to go and get away from all the craziness. No matter where you go, everyone is in a hurry or there is someone already there.
I just wish I could find that spot so I could once again have a little bit of peace for myself.
April 6, 2012
Depression
Since I have been off of the streets for a while now, I have been dealing with being depressed. And lately the depression has been kicking my ass. I am getting to where I am not wanting to really go out and do things with people, I hate being around other people more and more.
I especially hate seeing people that are in relationships that look happy. But that is the nature of the beast, I can't and doubt I ever will be in a happy relationship with someone.
Most of the things I do are alone. I go to the movies alone, I go for bike rides alone, alot of times I go out to eat by myself, I walk around the mall most of the time alone, you name it I do it alone. I just don't have it in me to try and be social.
Some people say I have improved with socializing the last few years, but secretly it bothers the hell out of me going to events and trying to fake my way through not being afraid of total strangers. I never know what to say around people most of the time and the things I do talk about aren't really that exciting.
I am scared to death of rejection so for me it is a lot easier to hide in my room and not go out. I don't want to risk being laughed at, or hated because I am who I am. And that is a very depressed individual.
I especially hate seeing people that are in relationships that look happy. But that is the nature of the beast, I can't and doubt I ever will be in a happy relationship with someone.
Most of the things I do are alone. I go to the movies alone, I go for bike rides alone, alot of times I go out to eat by myself, I walk around the mall most of the time alone, you name it I do it alone. I just don't have it in me to try and be social.
Some people say I have improved with socializing the last few years, but secretly it bothers the hell out of me going to events and trying to fake my way through not being afraid of total strangers. I never know what to say around people most of the time and the things I do talk about aren't really that exciting.
I am scared to death of rejection so for me it is a lot easier to hide in my room and not go out. I don't want to risk being laughed at, or hated because I am who I am. And that is a very depressed individual.
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