I'm Back.

So it has been well over a year since I last wrote on this blog. I guess I owe to the people who may still be following it an explanation to what has been happening in my life.

I am still taking care of an elderly gentleman, who has many many ailments. I have been working for him now for the last 3 years, in September it will be 4 years. I haven't been on the street since I have been working for him, which has been great (secretly though, I sometimes miss not having all the bills and responsibilities).

I am still working through a lot of my own issues, such as the fear of being rejected. For me the fear of rejection rules my life. I miss out on so many activities and things in life, because I am afraid that when I meet new people or go to places I have never been, that the people who are there are going to find a reason to hate me, or make fun of who I am.

It is just something that I hope with time I will be able to work out and move on. It is just a matter of controlling my fears and worries about people, of course for me that is easier said than done.

Wish me the best on this..

Socially Awkward

Okay, So I suppose I am : shy, weird, socially inept, awkward, etc. I have social anxiety and always blank out when people talk to me.
And, I always think of the worst situation that could happen at any given moment anywhere in public where there's people around.

I hate being around people I don't know. I don't know if they'll judge me, just hurt me emotionally, or leave me mentally confused.

I dig deep into detail about people's emotions, thoughts, feelings, communication.... I just don't know about the what if's...

It's killing me socially! I cannot impress potential employers because of this and cannot make a single friend in person.

It's like the only way for me to have ANY social interaction is to use the internet - where I am not bombarded by faces and minds who wait to see what I will say or do next. I have my own time here to type down my thoughts and feelings without being interrupted or being waited on impatiently.

I hate the feeling of being judged in any way that would give any negativity and I cannot deal or handle situations where I am "put on the spot".

Thus, my friend and Mom think that I'm just being dumb by not doing the right thing. They don't understand, because they're not like me.

Anything I do is blamed on me for not doing the correct way of doing things by being socially comfortable or accepting those surrounding me.

I was fine for months not realizing I haven't even gone out to do anything, but my friend reminded me that people think there's something wrong with me and they ask him about it. Also, it's happened to my mom whenever she goes to places with me, people will ask her if something's the matter with me or whatnot. This has been happening ever since I could remember. I am very shy... cannot express myself when I'm around people whom I don't know..

I am very tired of this all and feel like the only way for me to have a social "living" is to be online forever. I'm so introverted, shy, and socially awkward.

Jewish Hospital

One of the things I done while I was on the streets in Louisville was sneak into the Jewish Hospital, and ride the elevator to the top floor and watch tv all day. I could only do this on the weekends because that was the only time the departments on the top floor were mostly empty.

I loved sitting there because they had HBO and there was free coffee and donuts in the lobby areas there. I would drink 4-5 cups of coffee and chow down about 4 donuts. And then I would just fall asleep for a few hours. Most times the security guard would walk by and wake me up, and tell me that I had to go, but he was never mean to me about it.

I went there mostly during the days in the winter months when I didn't have the ambition to walk all the way across the city to go to U of L Library. When it is 20 degrees and 6 in the morning, you tend to find the quickest place to go to to get out of the cold air.

I was very thankful for that lobby.

Sick

For 3 days in Louisville, I laid in my spot really sick. Every time I would try to get up I would get dizzy and feel like I was about to throw up. It was the shittiest feeling in the world. And to make matters worse, no one even knew I was sick, so there was no chance of me getting help from anyone.

So I laid there and hardly slept, I was sweating, then I would get the chills, and stomach cramps, and all the shit that you hate when you have a house and don't want to be sick.

I was thirsty from all of the throwing up but I had no water or anything around to drink. I just had to be there and suffer through whatever it was that I had for that 3 days of hell.

Finally on the third day, I was able to get my butt up and walk down to the health department, and all they told me is that I probably had the flu. I tell you it sure felt like a lot more than the flu, but I guess they should know.

Anyway, being sick and living on the streets is really rough, because most times you aren't going to get the meds you need and like myself, you most likely will end up laying where ever it is you sleep at, because you aren't going to have the energy to walk all over the city trying to get medical help.

One Night in Louisville

One night when I was sleeping beside a church in Louisville, I was woke up by two guys fighting just a few feet away from where I was standing. I sat up and started to watch because I wasn't sure whether they would attack me or not.

The fight got worse, it went from fist fighting to one of the guys pulling a knife and stabbing the other guy in the arm. I got my shoes on at that point and ran away. There was no way in hell that I was going to have the guy that stabbed the other guy see me and come after me.

I ran down the street to a pay phone and called the police, they showed up a few minutes later and I showed them where the fight happened, unfortunately both guys were gone. There was a lot of blood in the area but no one in sight. The police took my report and that was that.

Getting stabbed, shot or beat up were my biggest worries when I would go to sleep at night, you never knew when some asshole would be wanedering around with no good intentions. As I stated before I slept in areas alone and I liked it that way, but I always had to sleep with one eye open.

The cops that night gave me a ride to the shelter and got me checked in. One of them gave me $10 and told me to be safe and have a good night. They both wished me luck and that was the last I seen of them.

Peace

I was thinking about my time in Louisville, and I remember that one of the things that I use to do a lot was walk across the bridge to Indiana, and walk down to the Ohio River on the Indiana side. There is a state park on that side that is wooded and has trails all along the river.

I use to walk all over those woods and trails exploring, it was the only times that I felt totally at peace. I am not sure if it was the birds chirping or just the seclusion of the woods but I loved it there. If there is one thing I really miss about Louisville, it's those woods.

I remember one night I was there until after dark, and legally you are supposed to leave that park after a certain time, but I stayed in the woods and camped there for the night. I just leaned against a log on the ground near the river and watched the moon and stars. I was at total peace that night, and I have yet to find that kind of peace here in Florida. There is really no place to go and get away from all the craziness. No matter where you go, everyone is in a hurry or there is someone already there.

I just wish I could find that spot so I could once again have a little bit of peace for myself.

Depression

Since I have been off of the streets for a while now, I have been dealing with being depressed. And lately the depression has been kicking my ass. I am getting to where I am not wanting to really go out and do things with people, I hate being around other people more and more.

I especially hate seeing people that are in relationships that look happy. But that is the nature of the beast, I can't and doubt I ever will be in a happy relationship with someone.

Most of the things I do are alone. I go to the movies alone, I go for bike rides alone, alot of times I go out to eat by myself, I walk around the mall most of the time alone, you name it I do it alone. I just don't have it in me to try and be social.

Some people say I have improved with socializing the last few years, but secretly it bothers the hell out of me going to events and trying to fake my way through not being afraid of total strangers. I never know what to say around people most of the time and the things I do talk about aren't really that exciting.

I am scared to death of rejection so for me it is a lot easier to hide in my room and not go out. I don't want to risk being laughed at, or hated because I am who I am. And that is a very depressed individual.

Shelter life

My first experience with a homeless shelter was in Florida. It's on some property that was donated to Dade County after a hurricane destroyed a lot to the Air Force Base.

Anyway, I arrived the first day at the shelter and like everyone else who arrived there, we had to sit in chairs and wait. We waited for things like assessments to see what are needs are, medical, dental, optical, etc...

I felt like a was cattle being pushed through to the slaughter house. The people running things didn't care to get to know the person they were supposed to be helping, it felt like all they cared about was how many people could they get into the shelter that day. Like they got a prize for getting the most people signed up.

As I went through the process, I noticed that most of the employees didn't care what brought you to the streets, they didn't care what you were about, and I am guessing they really didn't care if you succeeded in life again or not. The way they would snap at people to hurry up, don't do this, don't do that, etc.. It was very frusterating.

When they finally did show that they cared about something it was when they went over the rules of the shelter. They were very passionate about this. And they made it abundantly clear, you fuck up once, you get a warning, fuck up twice, you are gone.

So I got through the process, go my bed in a room with about 75 other men. We all got a bunk. Each of us got one locker by our bunk, but we weren't given a lock. You had to buy your own, so if you put anything in there during the day without a lock, it was your own fault if it got stolen. They made it clear they weren't responsible for our belongings.

We had a huge community bathroom, which I absolutely hated but dealt with. 75 men with 15 sinks, toilets and urinals. There was probably 40 shower heads in one huge shower room. The shower situation was really hard for me to deal with, I am very scared to show my body to anyone, and I sure was terrified to show my naked self to a bunch of men I didn't know.

Breakfast was at 6am, we were all woke up at 5am to start our day, we had to be completely outta the bunkroom by 8am. By 9am if you weren't able to go out and look for work each day, you had to stay inside the facility and take classes. The classes ranged from balancing a checkbook to wiping your ass. Well, maybe not wiping your ass, but it sure seemed like they thought we didn't know how to do anything and that we needed a class to teach us every detail of life.

Also, you had to volunteer so many hours a day if you weren't out looking for work, I chose to work in the kitchen each morning. It got me extra food, and better tasting food, so that was the only real highlight of the day for me. Getting extra bacon.

I met a lot of other homeless people while I was there, a lot of them just told me to fuck off and not to talk to them. Some were very racist and told me that white boy needed to mind his own fucking business or that I would get hurt.

A few that I met were nice, I met one guy from Minnesota, that became homeless because he lost his leg in a traffic accident and had to take too much time off of work. He received disability while he was in the shelter, and he was primarily using the shelter as a way to save money so he could get back out on his own. Him and I became decent friends in the shelter, and then after a few weeks, he was gone, he moved on to his own place.

After he left I basically shut myself off to the world and this was the beginning of me hating the world. Up until that first week of meeting my Ziploc Girl.

Gays

One thing that bothered me a lot while I was homeless was the constant pressure of the gay men looking for male prostitutes. There is a park in Fort Lauderdale, that is well know for gay men to go to and look for male prostitutes each day.

When I first came to Fort Lauderdale, I had no idea what went on inside of this park. One day I was sitting on a bench in the park and I was approached by a man, at the time I had no idea he was gay. And he asked me if I was from around the area, and other small talk.

Anyway, he then asked me if I was into men? At which point I told him no, and I walked away. I guess he thought I was playing hard to get or something, because he followed me all over the park. Finally I told him to fuck off and he got the message.

The very next day I was sitting in the park again eating food that was given to us by one of the local church groups. And another man came to me and asked me if I wanted to party? Out of dumb curiosity I asked what he meant, and he told me, get high on crack, and have sex all day. Hell no! I got up and walked away.

I avoided the park for a few weeks, and started realizing that not only was the gay guys trolling the park, but when I would be sitting at a bus bench waiting for a bus, they would slowly drive by, roll down their window and smile or flash money at me. One guy went as far as throwing a business card with a $50 bill paper clipped to it at me. I took the money, dropped the card and had a really nice meal on him, thanks sucker.

I am not againts gays. I am however against being pressured by gays to have sex or do drugs just because I was homeless. There isn't any amount of money that a gay man could throw at me that would persuade me to have sex with him.

Beaten

One night in Louisville, I was walking back to my sleeping spot and I was stopped by 4 guys. Right then I knew I was in trouble. They shoved me to the ground and started to kick and punch me, I just curled up in a fetal position and let them beat on me. There was no way I would've been able to defend myself against them.

After about 2 minutes of being beat on they grabbed my backpack, my wallet and took my shoes. I just laid there unable to move. Someone came walking up the sidewalk a few minutes later and seen me. They called an ambulance and the police also arrived.

The next thing I remember was walking up in a hospital bed. I had a doctor telling me that I had been really lucky not to be in worse shape. He said I had 2 cracked ribs, and multiple bumps and bruises. Also my right eye was swollen shut.

I stayed at the hospital for 2 days, while they kept an eye on me to make sure I had no major head trauma and such. I never called my family the whole time I was there, because I didn't want to worry them, and I also knew that no one in my family would be able to go to Louisville from Michigan to see me. Besides what would be the point?

I will say that that night I got beat down and had all my stuff stolen from me including my shoes was one of the scariest nights of my life. What kind of asshole steals another man's shoes off of his feet?

The police took a report from me, and as far as I know nothing was ever done. Which really I didn't expect much to be done, I didn't really get a good look at any of them, and I was just glad to be alive really.

Casino

One of the things that my friend and I done in Louisville was go on a shuttle bus from Louisville to Evansville, Indiana every Friday night to a casino. We went on Friday night because they gave each person a $25 casino credit, and each person got a free buffet when they arrived by bus to the casino.

It was a long ride, about 2 hours one way to the casino, but it took up most of the night, we would leave Louisville at 7pm, arrive in Evansville at 9. We would leave at 2am and be back in Louisville around 4am. With $25 in our pocket.

I remember going there one time and taking a chance with my money and I ended up winning $215. That was like winning the lottery to me. That money fed me for about 2 weeks.

A lot of the time when we went there, my friend and I would leave and go walk around Evansville. I usually would buy a soda, and he opted for beer or other fine liquors. Generally he was shitfaced by the time we got back on the bus to head back to Louisville.

So thanks to the casino in Evansville for providing this formerly homeless person, $25 just about every weekend. It was much appreciated.

University of Louisville

I use to spend many hours hanging out on the University of Louisville campus. One of the places I hung out the most was the library. There were days that I would sit there from 7am until 12am. I mainly used the internet and played games to kill time.

There were times that I would go and find a chair in the library and fall asleep for 4-5 hours to try and catch up on the sleep that I was lacking from the night before. I done this a lot. It was peaceful and most people wouldn't even bother you since a lot of the students done the same thing.

One of the other things I use to do on the campus was walk around the buildings when classes were over looking for food to eat. I mainly looked through trash cans and sometimes I would sneak into offices and look in the refrigerators to see if there was any kind of food available. I wasn't proud of myself for doing this but at the time I just didn't give a shit about if I got in trouble or not.

There was a few times where it was so cold at night that I would go into one of the many buildings on the campus find a dark place to hide and I would sleep there until morning. I had a few close calls with people that came into clean the buildings, but I was never seen or caught inside of the building.

One of the places I use hit up all the time when I was hanging around the campus a lot was Papa Johns. I would go there to the dumpster and there was always fresh pizzas in boxes that had been tossed out. These pizzas fed me more times than I can count. I was very fortunate that I had this because there would've been a lot of times I would've went hungry without it.

I met a lot of other homeless people hanging around the campus, one guy that I met, we became pretty good friends and done pretty much everything together. He showed me where all the feeding sites were, he showed good places to hide and sleep at night. He also told me how the shelter system worked in the city. (I will tell you more about the shelters in Louisville later)

This new friend of mine introduced me to a restaurant called Mastersons. They were just off of the campus and every night we would go behind their building and they would have all the food they threw out from the buffet in the trash. They must've thrown way 30lbs of fried chicken every night. This became my hot meal each night. The food was usually still warm so it was nice to eat. Much better than cold pizza all the time.

When I wasn't with my friend, I would be wandering around the campus just trying to blend in. I done my best to keep clothes on that looked like something a student would wear, and I always wore the University of Louisville sweatshirt and hat that was given to me at a clothing place.

One of my other activities on the campus was going to the SAC (Student Activity Center). I would go to the back of the building inside and there was a television I would sit and watch during the off hours. I would catch up on the news and weather and then a lot of times fall asleep on the couch that was located by the television.

I spent about 10 months of my year or so in Louisville on the campus. For me it was a home. Lots of people around so I just blended in. Sometimes in a small small way I miss the campus.

Louisville

When I was in Louisville, Kentucky I spent about a year or so on the streets there also. There is a huge difference between Louisville and Fort Lauderdale though. The way the 2 cities treat the homeless are completely different.

In Louisville they almost embrace the homeless, where in Fort Lauderdale, they try to push them away and want to forget homeless people exist. Pretty shitty.

My first week in Louisville, it was mid January, so it was pretty darn cold up there. I remember that I was wandering around about 4am looking for a place to sleep, and I came upon a park in the city (Central Park). Well I wander around the park looking for a place to sleep and the first thing I seen was an outdoor stage but it was in no way a place to sleep, there was cover but it was open window and doorways, the wind could blow right through it.

I continued looking around and found that the bathrooms were left unlocked at night and when I opened the door, the bathroom was heated and I was alone, so I put my blanket down on the floor and laid down. I was so happy to find a warm place for the night to sleep. I just got to sleep when I heard the door bang open, I looked up and seen 2 Louisville cops standing there. I hurried up and got my wallet to show them my ID and the one cop looked at me and told me to relax.

He said they just seen me enter the bathroom and wanted to make sure I had blankets that I was ok. I was shocked, in Fort Lauderdale, they would've kicked me out or arrested me for trespassing. They gave me an extra blanket and a gift card to McDonald's and told me good luck, they also explained to me where to go to get a warm shower, food and any clothing that I may need.

They left and I went back to sleep, later on the maintenance lady opened the door to clean, she was like rise and shine time to go. So I got up to leave and she shook my hand and slipped me $5. Told me good luck. And that I was welcome to stay in that bathroom as much as I needed to as long as I kept my trash picked up when I left each morning.

This was my first real experience being homeless in Louisville, and I have a lot more to share, so stick around.

Wanna Get High?

When I was homeless I was always being pressured to use drugs, and drink booze with the crowd. Somehow I managed to keep away from all of that bullshit. It wasn't easy, there were a lot of people who continuously offered it to me.

It seemed like almost everyday I had a person coming up to me asking me if I wanted to smoke pot, do some crack, drink a beer, down some pills, you name it it was offered. My biggest question was if people are so fucking broke and on the street, how the hell do you continue to support your drug habit? And then the answer hit me, they either scam people outta money or steal things to sell for their drugs.

I was on the street about 5-6 years, and in that time, I never once had the desire to drink or do drugs. I could never understand the desire to get high or drunk and look like more of a bum.

Anyway, I am glad I stayed away from the drugs and booze.

Rude Awakenings

There is nothing more unpleasant than getting woke up in the middle of the night in a rude fashion. I will tell you about a few of my more memorable rude awakenings.

The first one that comes to mind, was one night while I was sleeping on Miami Beach near a lifeguard tower. If I remember correctly it was about 3 am, when I heard a few people on the lifeguard tower drinking and partying, no big deal, I was use to that kind of noise.

Anyway, I remember that I had just fallen asleep, when I felt something wet on my sheet I had covering me. I woke up and move the sheet from my face and a guy was pissing on me. When he seen me, he just laughed and continued on. He then told his buddies, hey look at this homeless piece of shit, I am pissing on him. That was the first rude awakening for me.

The second one that I remember, I was sleeping near the bushes on the beach in Fort Lauderdale, when I got kicked in the leg. I woke up to find 2 Fort Lauderdale cops standing there with their flashlights blinding me. They both began to harrass me and ask me stupid questions, and then told me to get moving or risk being arrested for sleeping on the beach. Jerks!

And finally this one I will never understand but I was laying in plain sight on a stack of chairs on Miami Beach once again, and I was sound asleep, when I felt the chairs shaking. I woke up to find a couple fucking right next to me. When I sat up the man, punched me in the face giving me a bloody nose, he told me I was an asshole for startling his woman.

Those were just a couple of the more interesting rude awakenings, there are plenty more I could tell you about and I probably will in the future. As I said before sleeping is a bitch when you are homeless.

A Sleeping Spot

For a really long time this spot in the bushes is what I called home. Countless nights of being ate up by mosquitos and ants. Sticks and rocks poking my back as I laid on the ground at night.

The one nice thing about it, no one knew I  was there and it was quiet. I could just about hide there all day and not fear being seen but I never did.

Today I ride my bike to that spot and oddly think about my many nights there. Some were shitty others were relaxing.

Meal Site Peeves

The one thing that bugged me a lot when I  was homeless, is when I would go to a homeless feed site and some asshole would stand there the whole time and complain.

It bugged the shit outta me that a person could bitch about the taste of food when it was free to him/her. You can't expect gourmet food in the soupline asshole!

Another thing I heard alot, was people complaining that they had to wait in line too long. Again its free an not fine dining, learn to be patient.

And I really hated seeing people go through get a plate of food not even take a bite and throw it in the trash or on the ground. Hey asshole next time don't take the food and let someone else get it that will eat it.

Get A Job!

The homeless have all heard it at one point or another. "Get a job!". Great are you offering me a job? Probably not.

As a homeless person you hear that more times than you really want to think about. Most of the time you hear that from an individual that happens to see a person on the street, and thinks its really fucking hilarious to yell that at the homeless man/woman.

There are a lot of homeless people that would love to have a job, start their lives over, and get the hell off of the streets, but no one is willing to allow a person that is not cleaned up or doesn't have a perfect work record to work for them.

I often wonder if the person that yells that at a homeless person, if they had a business they owned, and the homeless person ended up going to that person's business asking for work, what would happen? I am guessing that the person that owns the business is going to take one look at the homeless person and say sorry we aren't hiring.

I had a person once tell me that they weren't hiring, when they had a sign in the window that said the business was looking for dishwashers and wait staff. Granted I wasn't perfectly groomed but I went in with the best clothes I had and a good attitude, just to have the piece of shit that was manager there tell me they weren't looking for my type. What exactly did that mean? Did I have a disease they were afraid they might get? Was I a green alien from outerspace? I asked him what he meant and he told me if I didn't leave the property he would call the police and have me arrested for trespassing. So I left without ever getting an answer.

But anyway, I hope the next time someone yells at a homeless person to get a job, I hope they take a good look at themself and think, hmmm maybe I should be more kind to that person, because one day I could be sitting next to him or her in the soup kitchen eating like the rest their kind.

Stealing

To continue a little bit on the eating situation as a homeless person, I can remember alot of times going into grocery stores, grabbing a shopping cart, and as I walked around I would grab things to fill the cart, but my main purpose was grabbing small items I could open and eat as I walked around the store. Most of the time I would do this when I didn't find food in the rear of the store and I was out of food stamps.

I am not proud that I had to do that, it wasn't the highlight of my life having to steal candy bars or small bags of chips or lunch meat and eat as I walked around the store. But when you are fucking hungry, you tend to do the things you would never think that you would do.

I only was caught one time by a security guard doing this, and the only thing she said to me was "Just leave the store and know that you are banned for life from here." I have never been back to that store and that was 4 years ago.

Eating is very difficult to do on the streets and sadly you do what you have to, even if that means risking going to jail for stealing a candy bar because you are so hungry that you just don't give a shit about the consequences.

Eating

Eating on the streets is a matter of strategy and a lot of energy. For the homeless to eat 3 meals a day they can expect to walk many miles or if they are lucky enough to have a bus pass ride the bus. But for many its the walking option.

Most of the meal sites are spread out in the city. You may have to walk 2-3 miles from downtown to your first meal of the day in the city, then walk back downtown for your second meal, and then after a few hours walk another mile or two to one of the few places near the downtown area to eat your last meal of the day.

It has gotten a little better for the homeless since I have been off of the streets, but there are a lot of footsteps involved still to get from meal site to meal site. And now with the police and other city officials trying to find a universal feeding spot, who knows how far the homeless will have to travel to eat.

When I was on the street, I depended heavily on my food stamp card, and as much as I hate to say it, alot of my meals came from the dumpster behind the local grocery stores. It's a damn shame what stores throw away and not even think about the people on the streets that would love to have that food for a meal.

I would find everything from apples to zucchini bread in the dumpster. There is a trick to that also, you want to be near the rear of the store in the early morning hours, when most of the food is first placed in the dumpster, because you sure don't want to eat food that has sat in the sun half of the day.

I would normally sit and wait around the dumpster about 7am every morning when I didn't have food stamps for that day to eat. Delivery guys would come in, stock the shelves and throw out the expired products. Alot of times I would find snack foods, like chips that I could stick in my bag for later in the day, so I didn't have to wander around so much for food.

Just remember though, it is expired food and some of it may taste like shit. You really have to watch what you eat. Don't be in a rush and start jamming things down your throat, you may make yourself really sick.

All in all, eating was the most time consuming part of my day. I hated trying to find food.