One of the things I done while I was on the streets in Louisville was sneak into the Jewish Hospital, and ride the elevator to the top floor and watch tv all day. I could only do this on the weekends because that was the only time the departments on the top floor were mostly empty.
I loved sitting there because they had HBO and there was free coffee and donuts in the lobby areas there. I would drink 4-5 cups of coffee and chow down about 4 donuts. And then I would just fall asleep for a few hours. Most times the security guard would walk by and wake me up, and tell me that I had to go, but he was never mean to me about it.
I went there mostly during the days in the winter months when I didn't have the ambition to walk all the way across the city to go to U of L Library. When it is 20 degrees and 6 in the morning, you tend to find the quickest place to go to to get out of the cold air.
I was very thankful for that lobby.
April 24, 2012
April 14, 2012
Sick
For 3 days in Louisville, I laid in my spot really sick. Every time I would try to get up I would get dizzy and feel like I was about to throw up. It was the shittiest feeling in the world. And to make matters worse, no one even knew I was sick, so there was no chance of me getting help from anyone.
So I laid there and hardly slept, I was sweating, then I would get the chills, and stomach cramps, and all the shit that you hate when you have a house and don't want to be sick.
I was thirsty from all of the throwing up but I had no water or anything around to drink. I just had to be there and suffer through whatever it was that I had for that 3 days of hell.
Finally on the third day, I was able to get my butt up and walk down to the health department, and all they told me is that I probably had the flu. I tell you it sure felt like a lot more than the flu, but I guess they should know.
Anyway, being sick and living on the streets is really rough, because most times you aren't going to get the meds you need and like myself, you most likely will end up laying where ever it is you sleep at, because you aren't going to have the energy to walk all over the city trying to get medical help.
So I laid there and hardly slept, I was sweating, then I would get the chills, and stomach cramps, and all the shit that you hate when you have a house and don't want to be sick.
I was thirsty from all of the throwing up but I had no water or anything around to drink. I just had to be there and suffer through whatever it was that I had for that 3 days of hell.
Finally on the third day, I was able to get my butt up and walk down to the health department, and all they told me is that I probably had the flu. I tell you it sure felt like a lot more than the flu, but I guess they should know.
Anyway, being sick and living on the streets is really rough, because most times you aren't going to get the meds you need and like myself, you most likely will end up laying where ever it is you sleep at, because you aren't going to have the energy to walk all over the city trying to get medical help.
April 12, 2012
One Night in Louisville
One night when I was sleeping beside a church in Louisville, I was woke up by two guys fighting just a few feet away from where I was standing. I sat up and started to watch because I wasn't sure whether they would attack me or not.
The fight got worse, it went from fist fighting to one of the guys pulling a knife and stabbing the other guy in the arm. I got my shoes on at that point and ran away. There was no way in hell that I was going to have the guy that stabbed the other guy see me and come after me.
I ran down the street to a pay phone and called the police, they showed up a few minutes later and I showed them where the fight happened, unfortunately both guys were gone. There was a lot of blood in the area but no one in sight. The police took my report and that was that.
Getting stabbed, shot or beat up were my biggest worries when I would go to sleep at night, you never knew when some asshole would be wanedering around with no good intentions. As I stated before I slept in areas alone and I liked it that way, but I always had to sleep with one eye open.
The cops that night gave me a ride to the shelter and got me checked in. One of them gave me $10 and told me to be safe and have a good night. They both wished me luck and that was the last I seen of them.
The fight got worse, it went from fist fighting to one of the guys pulling a knife and stabbing the other guy in the arm. I got my shoes on at that point and ran away. There was no way in hell that I was going to have the guy that stabbed the other guy see me and come after me.
I ran down the street to a pay phone and called the police, they showed up a few minutes later and I showed them where the fight happened, unfortunately both guys were gone. There was a lot of blood in the area but no one in sight. The police took my report and that was that.
Getting stabbed, shot or beat up were my biggest worries when I would go to sleep at night, you never knew when some asshole would be wanedering around with no good intentions. As I stated before I slept in areas alone and I liked it that way, but I always had to sleep with one eye open.
The cops that night gave me a ride to the shelter and got me checked in. One of them gave me $10 and told me to be safe and have a good night. They both wished me luck and that was the last I seen of them.
April 9, 2012
Peace
I was thinking about my time in Louisville, and I remember that one of the things that I use to do a lot was walk across the bridge to Indiana, and walk down to the Ohio River on the Indiana side. There is a state park on that side that is wooded and has trails all along the river.
I use to walk all over those woods and trails exploring, it was the only times that I felt totally at peace. I am not sure if it was the birds chirping or just the seclusion of the woods but I loved it there. If there is one thing I really miss about Louisville, it's those woods.
I remember one night I was there until after dark, and legally you are supposed to leave that park after a certain time, but I stayed in the woods and camped there for the night. I just leaned against a log on the ground near the river and watched the moon and stars. I was at total peace that night, and I have yet to find that kind of peace here in Florida. There is really no place to go and get away from all the craziness. No matter where you go, everyone is in a hurry or there is someone already there.
I just wish I could find that spot so I could once again have a little bit of peace for myself.
I use to walk all over those woods and trails exploring, it was the only times that I felt totally at peace. I am not sure if it was the birds chirping or just the seclusion of the woods but I loved it there. If there is one thing I really miss about Louisville, it's those woods.
I remember one night I was there until after dark, and legally you are supposed to leave that park after a certain time, but I stayed in the woods and camped there for the night. I just leaned against a log on the ground near the river and watched the moon and stars. I was at total peace that night, and I have yet to find that kind of peace here in Florida. There is really no place to go and get away from all the craziness. No matter where you go, everyone is in a hurry or there is someone already there.
I just wish I could find that spot so I could once again have a little bit of peace for myself.
April 6, 2012
Depression
Since I have been off of the streets for a while now, I have been dealing with being depressed. And lately the depression has been kicking my ass. I am getting to where I am not wanting to really go out and do things with people, I hate being around other people more and more.
I especially hate seeing people that are in relationships that look happy. But that is the nature of the beast, I can't and doubt I ever will be in a happy relationship with someone.
Most of the things I do are alone. I go to the movies alone, I go for bike rides alone, alot of times I go out to eat by myself, I walk around the mall most of the time alone, you name it I do it alone. I just don't have it in me to try and be social.
Some people say I have improved with socializing the last few years, but secretly it bothers the hell out of me going to events and trying to fake my way through not being afraid of total strangers. I never know what to say around people most of the time and the things I do talk about aren't really that exciting.
I am scared to death of rejection so for me it is a lot easier to hide in my room and not go out. I don't want to risk being laughed at, or hated because I am who I am. And that is a very depressed individual.
I especially hate seeing people that are in relationships that look happy. But that is the nature of the beast, I can't and doubt I ever will be in a happy relationship with someone.
Most of the things I do are alone. I go to the movies alone, I go for bike rides alone, alot of times I go out to eat by myself, I walk around the mall most of the time alone, you name it I do it alone. I just don't have it in me to try and be social.
Some people say I have improved with socializing the last few years, but secretly it bothers the hell out of me going to events and trying to fake my way through not being afraid of total strangers. I never know what to say around people most of the time and the things I do talk about aren't really that exciting.
I am scared to death of rejection so for me it is a lot easier to hide in my room and not go out. I don't want to risk being laughed at, or hated because I am who I am. And that is a very depressed individual.
April 3, 2012
Shelter life
My first experience with a homeless shelter was in Florida. It's on some property that was donated to Dade County after a hurricane destroyed a lot to the Air Force Base.
Anyway, I arrived the first day at the shelter and like everyone else who arrived there, we had to sit in chairs and wait. We waited for things like assessments to see what are needs are, medical, dental, optical, etc...
I felt like a was cattle being pushed through to the slaughter house. The people running things didn't care to get to know the person they were supposed to be helping, it felt like all they cared about was how many people could they get into the shelter that day. Like they got a prize for getting the most people signed up.
As I went through the process, I noticed that most of the employees didn't care what brought you to the streets, they didn't care what you were about, and I am guessing they really didn't care if you succeeded in life again or not. The way they would snap at people to hurry up, don't do this, don't do that, etc.. It was very frusterating.
When they finally did show that they cared about something it was when they went over the rules of the shelter. They were very passionate about this. And they made it abundantly clear, you fuck up once, you get a warning, fuck up twice, you are gone.
So I got through the process, go my bed in a room with about 75 other men. We all got a bunk. Each of us got one locker by our bunk, but we weren't given a lock. You had to buy your own, so if you put anything in there during the day without a lock, it was your own fault if it got stolen. They made it clear they weren't responsible for our belongings.
We had a huge community bathroom, which I absolutely hated but dealt with. 75 men with 15 sinks, toilets and urinals. There was probably 40 shower heads in one huge shower room. The shower situation was really hard for me to deal with, I am very scared to show my body to anyone, and I sure was terrified to show my naked self to a bunch of men I didn't know.
Breakfast was at 6am, we were all woke up at 5am to start our day, we had to be completely outta the bunkroom by 8am. By 9am if you weren't able to go out and look for work each day, you had to stay inside the facility and take classes. The classes ranged from balancing a checkbook to wiping your ass. Well, maybe not wiping your ass, but it sure seemed like they thought we didn't know how to do anything and that we needed a class to teach us every detail of life.
Also, you had to volunteer so many hours a day if you weren't out looking for work, I chose to work in the kitchen each morning. It got me extra food, and better tasting food, so that was the only real highlight of the day for me. Getting extra bacon.
I met a lot of other homeless people while I was there, a lot of them just told me to fuck off and not to talk to them. Some were very racist and told me that white boy needed to mind his own fucking business or that I would get hurt.
A few that I met were nice, I met one guy from Minnesota, that became homeless because he lost his leg in a traffic accident and had to take too much time off of work. He received disability while he was in the shelter, and he was primarily using the shelter as a way to save money so he could get back out on his own. Him and I became decent friends in the shelter, and then after a few weeks, he was gone, he moved on to his own place.
After he left I basically shut myself off to the world and this was the beginning of me hating the world. Up until that first week of meeting my Ziploc Girl.
Anyway, I arrived the first day at the shelter and like everyone else who arrived there, we had to sit in chairs and wait. We waited for things like assessments to see what are needs are, medical, dental, optical, etc...
I felt like a was cattle being pushed through to the slaughter house. The people running things didn't care to get to know the person they were supposed to be helping, it felt like all they cared about was how many people could they get into the shelter that day. Like they got a prize for getting the most people signed up.
As I went through the process, I noticed that most of the employees didn't care what brought you to the streets, they didn't care what you were about, and I am guessing they really didn't care if you succeeded in life again or not. The way they would snap at people to hurry up, don't do this, don't do that, etc.. It was very frusterating.
When they finally did show that they cared about something it was when they went over the rules of the shelter. They were very passionate about this. And they made it abundantly clear, you fuck up once, you get a warning, fuck up twice, you are gone.
So I got through the process, go my bed in a room with about 75 other men. We all got a bunk. Each of us got one locker by our bunk, but we weren't given a lock. You had to buy your own, so if you put anything in there during the day without a lock, it was your own fault if it got stolen. They made it clear they weren't responsible for our belongings.
We had a huge community bathroom, which I absolutely hated but dealt with. 75 men with 15 sinks, toilets and urinals. There was probably 40 shower heads in one huge shower room. The shower situation was really hard for me to deal with, I am very scared to show my body to anyone, and I sure was terrified to show my naked self to a bunch of men I didn't know.
Breakfast was at 6am, we were all woke up at 5am to start our day, we had to be completely outta the bunkroom by 8am. By 9am if you weren't able to go out and look for work each day, you had to stay inside the facility and take classes. The classes ranged from balancing a checkbook to wiping your ass. Well, maybe not wiping your ass, but it sure seemed like they thought we didn't know how to do anything and that we needed a class to teach us every detail of life.
Also, you had to volunteer so many hours a day if you weren't out looking for work, I chose to work in the kitchen each morning. It got me extra food, and better tasting food, so that was the only real highlight of the day for me. Getting extra bacon.
I met a lot of other homeless people while I was there, a lot of them just told me to fuck off and not to talk to them. Some were very racist and told me that white boy needed to mind his own fucking business or that I would get hurt.
A few that I met were nice, I met one guy from Minnesota, that became homeless because he lost his leg in a traffic accident and had to take too much time off of work. He received disability while he was in the shelter, and he was primarily using the shelter as a way to save money so he could get back out on his own. Him and I became decent friends in the shelter, and then after a few weeks, he was gone, he moved on to his own place.
After he left I basically shut myself off to the world and this was the beginning of me hating the world. Up until that first week of meeting my Ziploc Girl.
April 2, 2012
Gays
One thing that bothered me a lot while I was homeless was the constant pressure of the gay men looking for male prostitutes. There is a park in Fort Lauderdale, that is well know for gay men to go to and look for male prostitutes each day.
When I first came to Fort Lauderdale, I had no idea what went on inside of this park. One day I was sitting on a bench in the park and I was approached by a man, at the time I had no idea he was gay. And he asked me if I was from around the area, and other small talk.
Anyway, he then asked me if I was into men? At which point I told him no, and I walked away. I guess he thought I was playing hard to get or something, because he followed me all over the park. Finally I told him to fuck off and he got the message.
The very next day I was sitting in the park again eating food that was given to us by one of the local church groups. And another man came to me and asked me if I wanted to party? Out of dumb curiosity I asked what he meant, and he told me, get high on crack, and have sex all day. Hell no! I got up and walked away.
I avoided the park for a few weeks, and started realizing that not only was the gay guys trolling the park, but when I would be sitting at a bus bench waiting for a bus, they would slowly drive by, roll down their window and smile or flash money at me. One guy went as far as throwing a business card with a $50 bill paper clipped to it at me. I took the money, dropped the card and had a really nice meal on him, thanks sucker.
I am not againts gays. I am however against being pressured by gays to have sex or do drugs just because I was homeless. There isn't any amount of money that a gay man could throw at me that would persuade me to have sex with him.
When I first came to Fort Lauderdale, I had no idea what went on inside of this park. One day I was sitting on a bench in the park and I was approached by a man, at the time I had no idea he was gay. And he asked me if I was from around the area, and other small talk.
Anyway, he then asked me if I was into men? At which point I told him no, and I walked away. I guess he thought I was playing hard to get or something, because he followed me all over the park. Finally I told him to fuck off and he got the message.
The very next day I was sitting in the park again eating food that was given to us by one of the local church groups. And another man came to me and asked me if I wanted to party? Out of dumb curiosity I asked what he meant, and he told me, get high on crack, and have sex all day. Hell no! I got up and walked away.
I avoided the park for a few weeks, and started realizing that not only was the gay guys trolling the park, but when I would be sitting at a bus bench waiting for a bus, they would slowly drive by, roll down their window and smile or flash money at me. One guy went as far as throwing a business card with a $50 bill paper clipped to it at me. I took the money, dropped the card and had a really nice meal on him, thanks sucker.
I am not againts gays. I am however against being pressured by gays to have sex or do drugs just because I was homeless. There isn't any amount of money that a gay man could throw at me that would persuade me to have sex with him.
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